If You Only Knew

Last night, I got robbed. You have played out different scenarios in your head, thinking you would know exactly what you would do in that situation only to find out-it doesn't quite work that way. It happened so fast, I didn't have time to react. And the thing is, I really wasn't scared. Shocked, yes. Pissed off, absolutely. I don't care how big and badass you think you are - unless you are trained for this type of situation, nines times out of ten, you will nut-up like a virgin seeing a naked woman for the first time. I did and there isn't much I am afraid of. No matter what scenario you choose, 99 out of 100 of those, I would have ended up dead, in a hospital or in jail. This one time, I walked away with a very bruised ego and a lot of heartache. My intentions were good but my head was in a completely different place. Where did I go wrong? Let me tell you... 1. I'm a female. 2. It was night time. (dumbass) 3. I was on a bad side of town. (it didn...

I'm not courageous and I'm not strong. I'll be the first to admit that.   I spent a large part of my life living in fear. I vowed that if I got out of my past, I'd never spend my life living in fear again. It took so much away from me.   In the last three weeks, I've felt more fear than I have in my entire life. I feel as though I am fighting for my own kids' lives. For all intents and purposes, I am. I love these kids as though they are  my own and I'd give up everything for them. Including my sanity.   I remember what it was like having no one to stand up for me. I didn't have a voice and what little one I had, I was too scared to use. No one asked me what I wanted. Never. No one cared, except for my grandmother and all things considered she was doing the best she could when I was with her. I want to give these kids the voice I never had. I want them to be able to speak up for what they want, to understand what life they should be allowed ...

You can't imagine the overwhelming amount of emotions that have surfaced over the last two months. I've felt things I cannot even describe. But above all-Love. This overbearing, protective, fight-for-what-is-yours kinda love. No, they aren't "mine" biologically. But in every other sense of the word, they are mine . I'll be honest; I had a lot of doubts about this whole custody thing. At first I just didn't think it was a good idea. For my own selfish reasons, I knew it would turn my life upside down. Some times change is difficult for me. Knowing that these two babies were coming from a different world of parenting was, by far the most difficult challenge. They only knew one way of life. Getting them accustom to a new lifestyle was huge, even for me. But if you've ever been in the same room with these kids for more than five minutes...How could you not fight for them?! How could you not want to give them everything life has to offer? Because they des...

It has been a few months since I've taken the time to sit down and write. On my way home from work today, I had lots going through my head so I decided now was a good time to get it all out. So here goes... Overwhelmed would be a good place to start. Damn near suffocating is probably better. Three months ago, I started a new job. I absolutely love what I do and as each day passes, I'm learning more and more. I can see myself making this a life long career and it's satisfying. I hope to work my way up the food chain. Not long after I started working, Matt and I made a huge decision. It is one we have struggled with for quite some time but after many prayers and a lot of talking, we decided it was time to fight for custody of his kids. I won't go into details but we could definitely use some good vibes, good thoughts, and a whole lotta prayers. For now, the kiddos are with us with hopes that it will become permanent. December 16...a day that just can't come soon...

I have this unfortunate flaw of being used like a yo-yo. Whether it is family or friend, it a pattern I desperately want to end. I am not a bad friend. At least I do not think so anyway. But I get into this cycle of only being needed or wanted at the convenience of others and I am getting tired of it. I don't know how to end this cycle and this is my dilemma. I am not a mean person by nature. I never have been. Bitterness over the years has changed that some. I am far more outspoken than I used to be when I was younger. A little less naive, a little wiser but I still have a good heart. I am not one to turn my back on others, most of the time. I do have a breaking point but it seems to take awhile to get me there. I learned that after a very long, bad marriage. I don't turn my back on others because I know what it feels like. It hurts a lot. So I feel I should not do this to others. Yet at the same time, I'm not anyone's doormat. It just does not work like that. My...

Friends. I don't have many. I know a lot of people but they aren't all my friends. Those would be called acquaintances. Just in case we needed some clarification on that subject. I've never had many friends growing up and even now. I am what you'd call a loner, I suppose. I have a difficult time trusting people and even more difficult time socializing. It is just not my thing. I prefer small, intimate scenes and get togethers. I guess that's one reason I've never been big into bars and dives. I like loud music in my car or when I'm at home cleaning house, not when I'm enjoying a drink and the room is full smoke and we can't hear ourselves think much less talk. Nope, I'm a homebody. I'd rather travel and visit nice places. Anyway, back to friends. For me, if I call you my friend, it is a pretty big deal. Yes, I'm 33 years old and this is how I feel. It is not childish, it is important. Relationships (friendships) help you grow as a p...

These words rank right up there with "I love you" and "I do". Those are some powerful words in my book. Especially when they come from my husband. As you can see, I'm recovering quite well. Other than feeling like I got socked in the jaw, I'm peachy. Snacking on crazy bread my awesome hubby got me and camped out on the couch watching reruns of "The Mentalist", life is sweet. I'm not a bible thumper. I'm not gonna force religion on anyone. It  is just not my thing. When I met Matt, he was a self proclaimed atheist. Over the years, I've seen that change in him. We talk more about our beliefs, our spirituality, what we believe the afterlife holds for us. We've been to a Buddhist temple together and realized that our mind frame and beliefs fell in line with what Buddhists believe. We don't worship any one particular God but we both agree there is A God. We believe it isn't necessary to go to church to pray. I can pray whenev...