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what's my why?

This post came courtesy of a blog that I've been following for the last few weeks. This man is phenomenal when it comes to life lessons. No lie. I have oodles of respect for him.

I'm going to back track for a moment. I was 17. I had no clue what it meant to raise another human being. Hell, I hadn't even given any thought to whether I wanted to have kids when I grew up. But at this point in life, I really didn't have any choice. Here I was, staring down at this beautiful, scary nine pound baby boy and I was terrified that I'd somehow ruin his life. From there, I proceeded into a miserable, horrifying marriage that turned me into someone I did not want to be. I had all the excuses in the world to stay but I lived in too much fear to leave. After 13 years, I found My Brave. (Thanks DDW..he found his Happy.)

Fast forward to age 29. Divorced, free and still unhappy. Why? Because at this point in my life, I had no idea where I was going, how I was planning to get there or who I was as a person. I allowed myself to be consumed with depression, self pity and disgust. That moment when you are so low to the ground, you feel as though pond scum are happier than you? Or even lower when you attempt to take your own life because you feel that you are no good to anyone, not even your own children? I was there once. I existed in a life where I did nothing for myself but everything for someone else. My existence depended on the life of someone who I thought I knew. Who lives like that? No one. Because it's not living.

I slumped down into my "corner" of the closet, curled up and sobbed for what seemed like hours. This was my hiding place. I came here often to hide from the world, my ex and just life in general. I began to think about what I would do for myself. Did I need another job? How do I get more money? How will I raise my kids? At this particular point in time, I was just getting into my second semester of college. It was my life long dream to become a Nurse. It was my career choice I'd always wanted but never given the opportunity to do so until now. I'd made the decision that at this very moment in life, I would continue with college, get my Nursing degree and give my children and myself the opportunities we deserved. And so I did.

Now, fast forward to today. I'm reading this blog about why and what not and I begin to think. What IS my why? This takes me back to the last 33 years of my life. This journey I've been on in "finding me" and it all slowly starts to sink in. Why did I choose this career path? Why have I dove my life into taking such good care of my kids and those around me? Why did I give so much of me, that in my path, I never figured out who I was? Nurturing. Caring. Compassionate. This is who I am. I love taking care of others and I'm pretty darn good at it.

I had given ALL of me to one person who sucked the life from my soul. So much so, that not only was I no good to myself but I was worthless to my own kids. So on that fateful day, through all the tears and anguish, I threw my hands up and walked away. My Brave. I found Me.

I can't imagine a life of not caring for others. It's what I love most about Me. I absolutely love raising my children. I love taking care of my husband. It's what makes Me happy. It's my why AND my Happy, all wrapped into one. My dream...and now reality; is to be a Nurse so that I can care for others. To nurture them, heal them and take care of them. It is my passion in life.

My only kryptonite, if you will, is that I still sometimes forget about Me. But that is where my incredible husband comes in. He never forgets about Me. Ever. He puts me first. What a shock to my soul! No one has ever put me first. NO ONE. Not even Me. But he does. And I know it. I feel it from my heart and soul and it's the most incredible feeling in the world.

Why? Because I love hard and I love deep and I know it's OK, even after all the world has thrown my way. Because making others happy makes Me happy. Knowing that as a Nurse, I will have some type of impact on their lives, regardless of how small it may be. I can make an owie better. I can kiss the pain away. I can get up at 5am just to make a pot of coffee and in that brief, insignificant moment to most; it can bring joy and a smile to my husband. That is my why.

Comments

  1. I love seeing you this way! It wasn't that long ago, but seems EONS ago that you were in this other world. I'm so happy for you that you are where you are now, achieving your dreams and being the YOU that you always knew you could be, always dreamed you could be!

    Big hugs and a fist bump to you, my friend!

    ReplyDelete

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