If You Only Knew

This week has been a struggle. I've sat and prayed and tried to look through the storm clouds and see the blessing in all this and believe it or not, I've managed to do so. Matt left a week ago today for Annual Training. It's almost like basic all over again for him. Three weeks in the cold, bitter weather, learning maneuvers and tactics that he'll need while he's deployed. I've done my best not to have a pity party because I miss him so much. I know it's hard for him. The first night, he was sleeping in a tent outside in 18 degree weather in North Alabama. Now those of you from the South know we are NOT used to that type of weather. So my first worry, of course, was of him staying warm. I don't always understand the ways of military thinking but who am I to question them, right? He calls me at least once a day and tells me of his days of crawling through mud and battling Mother Nature's brutal conditions. He doesn't get to shower for 2-3 days, ...

I wish I could say "happy" new year but I'm not sure how happy it's going to be. Don't get me wrong. I'm very happy! Joyful! How could I not be?! I've been blessed beyond measure! I'm getting married to my soulmate next month!! I have four amazing kids in my life. What could possibly be any better?? I have a sadness lingering and it's hard to shake. Matt will be leaving in April for Iraq for a year. That's a hard, bitter pill to swallow. It's hard to imagine him not being here with me... For the most part, I'm pretty sure I can get through it. I have enough to keep me busy between work, school, sending care packages and what not. But since I've been with him, I've learned two things. Matt travels a lot with his career. It's part of being a soldier. The day he leaves is always the hardest and the nights he's not there are even harder. Going to bed alone sucks...not to get too personal; but I used to be a girl who couldn...

The true reality of my divorce hit me this morning when I looked up at the phone and saw today's date. Tomorrow would have been the 12th anniversary of my marriage. While I have no regrets in my decision, it's still a tough pill to swallow... I've known my ex since I was 14 years old. That's a long time. Some days, I still feel like I failed somewhere. I'd like to believe that I gave 100% but honestly, I can't say I did. Some things just aren't meant to be. I won't say that I regret all those years we were together. A lot of good came from that relationship. Most importantly, my two amazing kids. While there were many struggles, tears and broken hearts, I learned a lot. I found out who I was along the way and how much strength I truly had. And I found God. Many, many time, I believed my prayers fell on deaf ears but now looking back, I see why everything happened the way it did. Could I have done things differently? Sure. Would I have? Maybe. Does it mat...

My first blog when I started this was about "finding me". Matt asked me yesterday if I'd found "me" yet and it made me think... In January, I got divorced and almost a year later, I still believe it's the best decision I've made. And the smartest. While I've still had some struggles with it in between, I have no regrets. A month later, that perfect man walked into my life. Perfect. Every single thing about him is perfect, all the way down to his snores at night. He makes me feel invincible. I could conquer the world with him by my side. Some times, its a bit overwhelming. I've never experienced these emotions before. I feel like my heart will explode in my chest. I could cry rivers of joy. But then I sit still, staring out at the stars off my front porch and this blanket of peace covers me completely. Nothing like it in this world. I've spent 31 years living in fear over one thing or another. Today, I'm proud to say, I no longer live that...

I'm still on cloud 23 (that's about 14 up from 9 in case you didn't know)...I had a fantastic weekend. The boys (my man and his brothers) decided they wanted to live on the wild side for the weekend. They turned it into a bike ride/camp weekend. They went camping at Blakely State Park in Spanish Fort, AL. Here is a lil history if you've never heard of it. -Largest National Historic Register Site east of the Mississippi River - encompassing 3800 acres nestled beside the Tensaw River. -Last major battle of the Civil War fought here at Fort Blakeley (5 1/2 miles of unspoiled breastworks where 26,000 soldiers met) -The South's most beautiful Ghost Town - 1814 City of Blakeley You can get more info by clinking the link above. The boys had a fantastic time. So while they were playing Ghost Hunters, my bestie (who I shall call Wi...

Look closely. What do you see? That smile reads pure joy. Love. Loyalty. Passion. How can you not see anything but happiness here? But it goes deeper than that. What you don’t see is what I see when I look in his eyes. More love than any one heart can possibly hold. His tenderness, his compassion, his overwhelming sense of protection, his joy, his encouragement and most of all…his undying faithfulness. This enormous, overwhelming feeling totally engulfs me as I type this and I can’t even think of a word to describe it. Love. But yet, it still doesn’t feel like the right word. Like, this word is too small to describe the feeling. It far exceeds any emotion I’ve ever experienced. Remember that feeling you got when you gave birth to your first child? This comes pretty damn close to it.

It's been awhile since I've posted anything. There's been a lot of changes in the last few months. I saw this quote today and it put a lot in perspective: Change. You either love it or you hate it, but either way its coming. Your best bet is to grin and bear it, and pray that when its done tossing you around that you find yourself surrounded by those that you love. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a fan of change. At. All. I'll fight it with everything in me. I'm a very routine person. I like schedules and time and all that responsible stuff. I like doing things my way because it works well for me. I know how its done, when it's done and so forth. I got divorced in January 2010. This, next to having children, has been the biggest change in my life by far. I almost didn't know how to function. I had accepted my life as it was and figured it would always be that way. It was "normal" and routine for me. It's almost bittersweet... Fe...