If You Only Knew

I feel everything tenfold. I was built that way and most times, I simply cannot control it. I've tried for many years. When I love, I love hard and passionately. I give all of me. When I’m angry, the whole world knows. And when I’m sad, I cry a river until I’m dry. The last two months have brought out an overwhelming amount of emotions; some I cannot even describe. I've doubted myself, I've hated myself but rarely any of it has been joy. My only peace in this chaos has been my husband and my kids. How can someone be so incredibly happy yet so miserable at the same time? I felt like I was torturing myself. I made the decision to have a family first and then a career. There is no book giving us directions in life. So I finally came to the realization that it was ok to take this course in my journey. It struck me as odd when I saw so many of my friends having babies for the first time, while I was 15 years into raising two children. Yet, they had already established their ...

Not by a long shot. I didn't start college two years ago to give up and just quit. So nursing just wasn't for me. I thought I was always meant to help people and this was the way to go. Maybe not. But I've learned their are other ways to use the gifts I've been blessed with. So I'll continue on the original path I sought, which was psychology. I'm smart. Just not nursing smart. And that's ok I suppose. It still stings. I failed. I don't do that often and I guess it's just a huge blow to my ego. I've spent more time worrying about others think of me and that is probably what hurts the most. "She failed?!" Yeah, I did. Let me see you do this shit. Any one of my fellow nursing students will tell you-it ain't easy! It only gets harder! Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm really not stupid and that it's ok. I don't know. I feel like a failure and I don't want to feel that way. I'm eight cl...

Sometimes we don’t know or understand why we do the things we do. Me, I can tell you some. It’s not what others want to hear but in my world, its truth regardless of whether you want to believe it in your own mind. I remember being told, “I used to think we were being bad parents but doctors told us it was you”. That stings. But the funny thing about it, I’m now 33 years old and I realize-it WAS you. I’ve taken enough basic psychology classes to know and understand many things about a young mind. Children only think with their cognitive minds. It has to be in black and white. There is no grey area for them. Either you love them or you don’t. Regardless of what you feel as a parent or what you believe in your own mind, it just doesn’t work that way for a child. So when you treat a child a particular way or act negatively, they only have one way to respond. This person doesn’t like me. Maybe they don’t love me. There are certain parts of my life that I have absolutely no recollecti...

In 33 years, I believe the hardest thing I've had to do is tell my son I failed. Not once, but twice. It brought me to tears. That look in his face; it was disbelief. Not that I didn't do well but that he KNEW and he saw how much and how hard I'd been studying. The time that it took from him and from the rest of my family; trips had to be cancelled, games had to be skipped. I sacrifice a lot. I keep asking myself is it worth it? Some days, I don't know the answer. Today, I wanted to give up. I thought about it. I looked at all the work that I'd been doing, all the studying, homework, reviewing, getting advice and info from currently nursing students; all this to only fail my second test. I don't want pity; I want to know why. What did I do that caused me to fail? I have the knowledge. I know the legal and ethics behind nursing. Ask me anything. I can tell you that when you give an enema to a patient, they need to be in the Sims' position. I know down to...

I debated on whether I’d come up for air long enough to even type this but since I am taking Kenzie to soccer practice shortly, I’ll use my time wisely. I feel like I’ve spent the last hour accomplishing nothing and that bothers me some. Trying to find “techniques” for studying and memorizing and what will work to remember everything I have to remember in no small feat and it’s rather frustrating. Everyone wants to tell me how to study or what works best for them. Considering that I bombed my first test of the semester, I figured what I was doing wasn’t working and that I’d do well to find something that did work and quickly. I’m just not sure what that is but with the advice of a friend, I think I might be able to get there. I knew Nursing school would be tough. But I really didn’t KNOW. Man. Yeah, I get that it’s supposed to be that way. You want your nurse to know her shit so that when she comes at you with this long needle, you know you are getting exactly what you are suppose...

This post came courtesy of a blog that I've been following for the last few weeks. This man is phenomenal when it comes to life lessons. No lie. I have oodles of respect for him. I'm going to back track for a moment. I was 17. I had no clue what it meant to raise another human being. Hell, I hadn't even given any thought to whether I wanted to have kids when I grew up. But at this point in life, I really didn't have any choice. Here I was, staring down at this beautiful, scary nine pound baby boy and I was terrified that I'd somehow ruin his life. From there, I proceeded into a miserable, horrifying marriage that turned me into someone I did not want to be. I had all the excuses in the world to stay but I lived in too much fear to leave. After 13 years, I found My Brave. (Thanks DDW..he found his Happy.) Fast forward to age 29. Divorced, free and still unhappy. Why? Because at this point in my life, I had no idea where I was going, how I was planning to get the...

Last night, I glanced over my shoulder and smiled to the sound of video games resounding from the TV as it mixed in with my classical music. Matt looked up and said, "I love you" then returned his attention to his game. I turned my attention back to my Med Term book and felt that warm fuzzy feeling inside bubble up. This is one of the many reasons he's my best friend. He doesn't like for me to sit alone in our bedroom while I study and for as long as I've been in school, it's been this way. I'll come into our room either to do homework or peruse over the lesson for the next day. I’ll sit for maybe 10-15 minutes and before long, he’s wrapped up in bed with his Xbox controller to keep me company. Every now and again, I’ll read something out loud or say “did you know…?” and he’ll turn his attention towards me long enough to let me finish and then go back to his game. Whether he retains that info or not makes no difference to me. He’s there and that’s the ...