If You Only Knew

I was that girl who wore make up every single day. Heck, sometimes I slept in it. I didn't leave the house most days without something on my face. I've been that way for years. A little over a year ago, something changed. I stopped. I stopped caring about wearing make up. I stopped caring about fixing my hair. In fact, as many have seen, I damn near chopped it all off. I stopped caring about a lot of things that had to do with me, including my weight and health. No, I do not have a death wish. I am not suicidal. I don't even think I am depressed, but doctors say I am, although I am not sure why. I honestly don't know why I stopped taking care of myself. Even now, I only do it because I realize I have a family who needs me to be healthy. With everything I have been through in the last six months, healthwise, I still do not wear make up and I still cannot find the energy or the motivation to get on a treadmill for 10-15 minutes a day. I know I should. I KNOW THIS. I do ...

My alarm went off at 5:05am as usual on a work day. Usually I am foggy eyed trying to wake up and move about, but not this morning. Something was different about this morning.  I turned off my alarm and laid there for a bit, taking in the peace moving through the house. My kitty was lying next to me, purring softly as she began waking up as well. She snuggled with me for a bit, stretching and purring. She’s usually up with me and does her morning routine of moving about the house with me while I get coffee and feed her.  She pounces a couple laps through the house while I am getting ready, letting me know she’s well rested and ready for the day. It is usually the only time she’s not bothered by the dog and can roam freely without being followed. I got ready for work as usual but my ride to work was different this morning. As I stepped out on my front porch, the weather and sunshine took me to a good place. On my drive, I spent a lot of time reflecting on motherhood and al...

By now, we all know how emotional I am. It’s nothing new. Lately, it has been more than usually. I get pretty weepy these days. I’m not even counting down days. I refuse. Nate will be 18 on Friday. 18. I have been his mother for 18 beautifully chaotic years. Beautiful chaos… It is all I could come up with to sum it up. It has been a privilege to watch this gorgeous child grow into an amazing young man. He has the most beautiful heart, next to his sister. I once said he had the heart of a servant. I still see that in him. He guards his heart fiercely. He loves God. He loves his family. He loves life. He has this contagious smile and he laughs from his belly. The best parts of me I see mixed and mingled into his personality. He still hugs and kisses his mom; even in public. I love that most. This morning, I kept thinking, “I’m going to miss his hugs most.” Those hugs he gives for no other reason than to simply say “I love you”. In a few short weeks, he is going to gradua...

I’ve been reading a lot of stories about people and their struggles with weight. So here is mine to start. My husband deployed to Iraq in 2011. By far, the most trying time in my life; wondering daily if I was going to get “that call”. By the grace and love of God, he came home to me and our four children happy, healthy and most importantly, safely. During that time, I dropped 60 lbs. That’s the most weight I’ve lost in any given time in my life. Up until I was about 15 years old, I never had any issues with weight. I was ADD and until I turned 14, I was on Ritalin. If you know anything about this medication, it prevents you from gaining weight. Up until I started high school, I was all of 90 pounds soaking wet. I looked like a boy. My mom kept my hair short and people made fun of me. After I got off Ritalin, I started my period and began to blossom into a young lady. It wasn’t until I heard my father tell me my butt was spreading and that I had a “bertha butt” that weight...

If I ever become a statistic, the odds will always be in my favor. I’m a stubborn girl. I always have been and always will be. I buck the system every chance I get because I have always wanted to be outside of the norm. Normal is overrated. I am the odd ball, the loner and the awkward one. I’m perfectly okay with that. I’ve always had big dreams for my little boy but most importantly, I just wanted him to succeed at life. I prayed for him from the day he was born that he would become great and wonderful and every single moment that passes with him, my prayers have been answered. You probably think I boast and brag on him too much. So what? What mother isn’t prideful of her children? But you have to understand the journey. Me and that kid have been through so much together. He saved my life. Most of you know my story. I left home at the end of my junior year in high school, three months later, I got knocked up and I lived with a friend until three months after Nathaniel wa...

That moment when you realize you've been lying to yourself and everyone else in your life. That moment is full of pain and a lot of anger. It has been four years since I've been in nursing school. Not a day goes by that I'm not filled with more regret than you can possibly imagine. All the people and friends that I went to nursing school with? I cut them out of my life with no answers as to why. It was just too hard seeing them move on without me. It made me bitter and frustrated. I was supposed to be moving along with them. But I'm not. Because I failed and I was too ashamed to go back. That is the truth. I fooled myself into believing I walked away because I had no other choice. Reality is- I could have gone back. I should have. But I didn't. I failed and I was too ashamed to go back and start over again. I was embarrassed. All my life, I truly believed that this was the plan God had for my life. I was going to be a nurse. So if this was God's plan, it was...

"Stop fixing what isn’t broken”…that has resonated in my mind since church service yesterday. I’ve always labeled myself as broken and tattered. That’s how I feel most days. I’m not perfectly put together. I don’t try to be nor do I claim it. In all honesty, I don’t want to be. I’m just me. God made me in HIS image and from what I know, God doesn’t make mistakes. That says a lot when you put it into perspective. I didn’t start having self-esteem issues until my first true heart break. My ex was unfaithful ten months after our wedding. Ten months. Ouch. So, of course I started believing something was wrong with me. It took me 15 years to realize it was not me; it was him. In spite of all that I have been through in this journey called life, I am a good person. I know I have a good heart. I have compassion, mercy and sympathy. These are the best qualities of me and no matter what anyone has ever done to me; I don’t let it make me bitter. But self-esteem issues, I just pray...