If You Only Knew

In the summer of 1997, I showed up on his doorstep with a three-month-old baby on my hip. After explaining that this was his grandson, he welcomed us both into his home and our lives forever changed. From that moment, the sun rose and set on his grandson and he could do no wrong in his eyes. As my son grew, it became obvious that he felt the same. Where you saw Andrew, you saw Nathaniel. Andrew was so proud of his sweet boy. He took Nathaniel with him everywhere. To the cow fields, where they would feed the cows together; to church where he grew to love his “Preacherman”, and even on the tractor. McDonald’s was always his favorite trip; he couldn’t live without his chicken nuggets. They were two peas in a pod, as their grandma used to say. That never changed. Andrew always made me feel apart of the family, even when I felt like an outsider. One of the conditions to coming to live with him was that I went back to high school and graduated. He made sure he had a front row seat ...

I’ve always had the gift of gab, as my dad used to say. I could talk about anything and I could write for days on end. Once a thought popped into my head, I’d go straight to the computer and type away. In the last few months, I feel as though I have much to say, yet nothing comes out. I would get lost in thought and by the time my fingers touched the keys, I had nothing. Positivity was my jam. It didn’t matter how bad things look on the outside, I knew deep down, everything would be okay. I had my moments but then I would talk it out, reason with God and realize that everything would be A-okay. Right now, God is the furthest thing from my mind. 2018 has not been kind. I got kicked. And then I got kicked again. And then I got kicked some more and decided that I would just stay down because the blows kept coming. At that point, I just didn’t have it in me to do anything other than stay down and sure enough, I got kicked again. Right about now is when I would decide I have n...

When hiding isn’t enough… I desperately try hiding from the world, especially when moments are too much to bare. This summer was no different. People will walk out of your life at any given moment, including your own children. Not to abandon you but to move on to the next season of their lives. I have struggled with this a lot in my life. Some leave by choice, others leaves out of necessity. Some leave out of sheer ignorance. The latter has been my case recently. My mother taught me to run. It’s how she copes with life. When shit hits the fan, run. So that is what I do. It’s not always the wise choice but it’s how I’ve learned to cope and it’s the only way I know how to protect my heart. I told a friend yesterday that I used to say “I shouldn’t expect people to treat me the same way I treat them.” That, my friends is bullshit. I should. I know who I am, I know my value, I know what I bring to the table at every moment. I am the most giving person anyone could ever ask ...

I have found myself at an impasse in my life. I am caught in this in-between of parenting and adulting. My kids are 20, 16, 15 (almost 16) and 11, about to be 12. One doesn’t live with us anymore and the other has a foot out the door. And with the way time is passing…it won’t be long before I have an empty nest. I never really spent much time focused on a career. The only real drive I had was nursing and that went out the window years ago. I took a safe route and stuck with what I’d been doing and what I know. Don’t get me wrong, I am good at it and I do like it but it can be mundane at times. It is nothing exciting or fantastic but I just thought I was meant for much more. Being a mom is all I’ve known my entire adult life. I have been raising babies since I was 17. I don’t know much else and what I do know is an array of useless knowledge that seems to be getting me nowhere. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. As I’ve gotten older, my circle has gott...

Four years ago, Trevor and Savanna came to live with us, to start a new life. One that we’d hoped would be fruitful and blessed. Our lives changed in every aspect over that four year period. We all grew in different ways. Some for the best and some, not so much. But overall, it was for the betterment of both of them and we saw great improvements over those four years. Last year, one simple mistake changed everything. July of last year during summer football camp, Trevor got caught with a pocket knife. He didn’t think anything of it because he always carries it, just like any other young man in Alabama. He didn’t think about it being a school function and honestly, who would? He had no intentions of harming anyone at all. Mind you, Trevor had come so very far in four years. He was making straight A’s, taking Honors classes, playing football and well on his way to making huge changes for his future. We could not have been more proud. The Autauga County School Board decided they need...

My life really only started when I turned 30. Sure, that sounds crazy. But there is a significant difference in “life” and actual living. It is having the courage to walk away from something so painful and so toxic. It is having faith that no matter what foot you step out on, God is going to be in step with you. It is taking that first deep breath, exhaling all the negative and nastiness in your life and going forward, reassuring yourself you will never have to look back. And I didn’t. I have this tattoo on my shoulder. I put it there so I’d see it all the time. It’s a constant reminder to me. It says “courage is fear that has said it’s prayers”. I don’t remember how I came across it but it was not long after my brain surgery. That one quote means everything to me. The course of events that has taken place in my life over the last seven years has been nothing short of a miracle. February 17th is an important day to me and one I will remember like my birthday or my anniversar...

     I genuinely believed after having this major surgery, my quality of life would greatly improve. Don’t get me wrong-the surgery did relieve me of my headaches and for that, I am truly grateful. But it seems to have brought on another set of problems that I wasn’t prepared for. It has been frustrating, discouraging and most of all, very painful. My numerous doctors seem to believe that the surgery exacerbated a problem I began having before the surgery-arthritis in my hands. Now, it’s throughout my entire body and some days, it is hard to get out of bed, much less walk. It takes more strength than I knew I had. Pain meds and arthritis meds don’t seem to help much and some days are far worse than other. But I keep going, regardless because I have to. I pray daily for healing but I find myself asking why…why after going through such a traumatic event in my life, believing I was going to move onto something better, does this have to happen now? What am I supposed to be l...

I was that girl who wore make up every single day. Heck, sometimes I slept in it. I didn't leave the house most days without something on my face. I've been that way for years. A little over a year ago, something changed. I stopped. I stopped caring about wearing make up. I stopped caring about fixing my hair. In fact, as many have seen, I damn near chopped it all off. I stopped caring about a lot of things that had to do with me, including my weight and health. No, I do not have a death wish. I am not suicidal. I don't even think I am depressed, but doctors say I am, although I am not sure why. I honestly don't know why I stopped taking care of myself. Even now, I only do it because I realize I have a family who needs me to be healthy. With everything I have been through in the last six months, healthwise, I still do not wear make up and I still cannot find the energy or the motivation to get on a treadmill for 10-15 minutes a day. I know I should. I KNOW THIS. I do ...

My alarm went off at 5:05am as usual on a work day. Usually I am foggy eyed trying to wake up and move about, but not this morning. Something was different about this morning.  I turned off my alarm and laid there for a bit, taking in the peace moving through the house. My kitty was lying next to me, purring softly as she began waking up as well. She snuggled with me for a bit, stretching and purring. She’s usually up with me and does her morning routine of moving about the house with me while I get coffee and feed her.  She pounces a couple laps through the house while I am getting ready, letting me know she’s well rested and ready for the day. It is usually the only time she’s not bothered by the dog and can roam freely without being followed. I got ready for work as usual but my ride to work was different this morning. As I stepped out on my front porch, the weather and sunshine took me to a good place. On my drive, I spent a lot of time reflecting on motherhood and al...

By now, we all know how emotional I am. It’s nothing new. Lately, it has been more than usually. I get pretty weepy these days. I’m not even counting down days. I refuse. Nate will be 18 on Friday. 18. I have been his mother for 18 beautifully chaotic years. Beautiful chaos… It is all I could come up with to sum it up. It has been a privilege to watch this gorgeous child grow into an amazing young man. He has the most beautiful heart, next to his sister. I once said he had the heart of a servant. I still see that in him. He guards his heart fiercely. He loves God. He loves his family. He loves life. He has this contagious smile and he laughs from his belly. The best parts of me I see mixed and mingled into his personality. He still hugs and kisses his mom; even in public. I love that most. This morning, I kept thinking, “I’m going to miss his hugs most.” Those hugs he gives for no other reason than to simply say “I love you”. In a few short weeks, he is going to gradua...

I’ve been reading a lot of stories about people and their struggles with weight. So here is mine to start. My husband deployed to Iraq in 2011. By far, the most trying time in my life; wondering daily if I was going to get “that call”. By the grace and love of God, he came home to me and our four children happy, healthy and most importantly, safely. During that time, I dropped 60 lbs. That’s the most weight I’ve lost in any given time in my life. Up until I was about 15 years old, I never had any issues with weight. I was ADD and until I turned 14, I was on Ritalin. If you know anything about this medication, it prevents you from gaining weight. Up until I started high school, I was all of 90 pounds soaking wet. I looked like a boy. My mom kept my hair short and people made fun of me. After I got off Ritalin, I started my period and began to blossom into a young lady. It wasn’t until I heard my father tell me my butt was spreading and that I had a “bertha butt” that weight...

If I ever become a statistic, the odds will always be in my favor. I’m a stubborn girl. I always have been and always will be. I buck the system every chance I get because I have always wanted to be outside of the norm. Normal is overrated. I am the odd ball, the loner and the awkward one. I’m perfectly okay with that. I’ve always had big dreams for my little boy but most importantly, I just wanted him to succeed at life. I prayed for him from the day he was born that he would become great and wonderful and every single moment that passes with him, my prayers have been answered. You probably think I boast and brag on him too much. So what? What mother isn’t prideful of her children? But you have to understand the journey. Me and that kid have been through so much together. He saved my life. Most of you know my story. I left home at the end of my junior year in high school, three months later, I got knocked up and I lived with a friend until three months after Nathaniel wa...

That moment when you realize you've been lying to yourself and everyone else in your life. That moment is full of pain and a lot of anger. It has been four years since I've been in nursing school. Not a day goes by that I'm not filled with more regret than you can possibly imagine. All the people and friends that I went to nursing school with? I cut them out of my life with no answers as to why. It was just too hard seeing them move on without me. It made me bitter and frustrated. I was supposed to be moving along with them. But I'm not. Because I failed and I was too ashamed to go back. That is the truth. I fooled myself into believing I walked away because I had no other choice. Reality is- I could have gone back. I should have. But I didn't. I failed and I was too ashamed to go back and start over again. I was embarrassed. All my life, I truly believed that this was the plan God had for my life. I was going to be a nurse. So if this was God's plan, it was...

"Stop fixing what isn’t broken”…that has resonated in my mind since church service yesterday. I’ve always labeled myself as broken and tattered. That’s how I feel most days. I’m not perfectly put together. I don’t try to be nor do I claim it. In all honesty, I don’t want to be. I’m just me. God made me in HIS image and from what I know, God doesn’t make mistakes. That says a lot when you put it into perspective. I didn’t start having self-esteem issues until my first true heart break. My ex was unfaithful ten months after our wedding. Ten months. Ouch. So, of course I started believing something was wrong with me. It took me 15 years to realize it was not me; it was him. In spite of all that I have been through in this journey called life, I am a good person. I know I have a good heart. I have compassion, mercy and sympathy. These are the best qualities of me and no matter what anyone has ever done to me; I don’t let it make me bitter. But self-esteem issues, I just pray...

I think I fell in love with my husband at least ten times yesterday. Maybe eleven. I know without a doubt in my mind who I can count on in my life. I saw a side of my son that I'd never seen before. I cried at least four times on my hiking trip yesterday. God answers prayers no matter where you are or what your circumstance. I had no idea what I was capable of or how far I could be pushed until yesterday. These are just a few things I learned about myself and about those in my life. What started out as a simple hike through the woods turned into a trek through the mountains that seriously had me questioning and doubting myself as a woman. This picture. It was an expression of pain, relief, pride and shame. I have been hiking many times throughout my life. Taking a simple hike, 3-4 miles through nature is easy. I can do that any day of the week. So when my sister offered to take us hiking to The Walls of Jericho, of course I said yes. I truly had no idea what we we...

Rebellion. It can be defined as open defiance or opposition. That has been me in many different situations. At one time, I was rebellious against God. I was angry and I didn’t want to go along with His teachings. And you know; you know that you are doing it intentionally and with purpose. The same can be said about fitness and being healthy. In 2011, I lost 60 pounds while my husband was away. I didn’t do for me as much as I did it for him. This much I know; I didn’t do it for the right reasons and that is why I have gained 50 pounds back since he came home in December 2011. After I regained the first 30 pounds, the rest was just out of spite. I kept telling myself “it is okay, I’ll lose it just like I did before” or that “who needs to be skinny?” I came up with every single excuse you could imagine to regain almost every pound I lost. I even used my husband. He loves me just like I am, no one thinks I’m fat and I’m going to be okay. Part of that is true. My husband does love...